I'm Jealous of the Babysitter and Other Things to be Thankful For

During the Patriots/Eagles game on Sunday afternoon I commented that I did not want to go to work the following day to which our friend and babysitter Cindy said, "I do!"  At the moment I thought about how jealous I was of her being able to come and spend that time with my little guys, but then I thought some more and realized some things I'd like to share with you...I like my job.  I'm good at it, I care about the people I work with and for.  I'm grateful to God that I have a job, which is something these days.

I actually have two part time jobs, as I've mentioned before, one as a medical social worker for a home care agency in the area, the other as a marriage and family counselor in a local private practice.  I enjoy having my office and seeing clients individually and as couples.  I have a passion for the work and a desire to do it.

I was able to see that I really have the best of both worlds and should be ever grateful for it.  I love my boys and each moment with them is precious.  However, if I need to work, and I must, this is a wonderful situation!  It's a wonderful situation not only because I like my work but also because I am blessed to have a "babysitter" and friend who loves my boys so well and takes such fabulous care of them while I am away.  That she enjoys her time here with them is something that I am also thankful for...she likes her work!

Shout out to Carol at www.wheretheroadgoes.weebly.com who talked to me about the tension between work and home.  When I am at work I'm thinking about home but not always vice versa.  I am not preoccupied to the point of being unproductive, but it's just enough of a preoccupation for me to realize that there is a bit of a tug there.  I'm not sure if it's an overactive sense of responsibility to my children or the home or if I just miss them...maybe a bit of both.  But what I can say in the midst of this struggle is that God gave me work and it is good to have work to do!  I am thankful for the determination and inspiration to do the work that I do, for the desire to do it well and for the opportunities I do have to use my skills in the workplace.

I love being a mom.  I never understood or could have imagined what it would be like to have a sweet little boy look me in the eyes and call me "mom".  This is another role which I feel called to and equipped for; not always well-equipped as the "Trying Twos" are in full swing and requiring much time, energy and thought.  I was blessed with three sons and I will strive to always do what is best for them in the midst of this tension between work and home.  I hope that they see me working hard and using the talents and time I've been given to serve others and in truth to what I believe I was created for or called to do.  Counselor and Mother.      (Or Mother and Counselor).   

I am thankful.  The Patriots won yesterday, Cindy was here today at 7:30 a.m. with a sunny disposition, and I left for work with kisses from all my boys and with a grateful heart that there is good work to be done. 

A Faith that Lives

In response to my previous post a dear friend of mine shared her thoughts and gave me permission to share them here with you.  She said:  "Death brings out compassion and love between family, friends and strangers.  Life isn't on earth, it's with God.  [The runner] served his God while on this earth, now it his time to go home...we celebrate his life.  Through this [the driver] will reach out to God and find a compassionate God to ease his pain and bring understanding to this accident; a God he will hold dear in his life."
She speaks of a redemptive God; God who would bring grace and good from tragedy.  In the midst of the pain, the sadness, the confusion there lives a thing some call faith.  Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1).  Though I do not see it I have the faith to believe that God mourns with us as we mourn and celebrates with us as well.
I was reminded by another friend of mine today that God in the person of Jesus did Himself mourn the loss of his friend Lazarus, even before He called him out the tomb to live again.  This friend put it beautifully saying, "All we can say (given our finite knowledge) is it [the accident] was an interplay of decisions whose consequences played out. Is this cold and unfeeling? On the surface yes, but it is a starting place where one can begin to deal with it without questioning God's love, goodness or power.  What we must never forget is that God is not sitting on the sidelines, He cares far beyond what we can ever imagine." (See comments on my last post for more).
This was the piece of the puzzle I was missing as I wrote last night. Remembering that we live in an imperfect world where there is sickness, tragedy and death.  When I was diagnosed with cancer in 1991 I didn't think that God "gave" me cancer.  Simply put, there's cancer in the world where I live and I got it.  It would be unfair of me to think God was being punitive and punishing me for some past wrong, or that He was passive in not sparing my family and I the pain of this illness.
So as I continue to contemplate tragedy, grief and God, I return to faith.  A faith that would thank a loving God for His presence in the face of this tragedy and grief; that He would mourn with us and celebrate with us.  Though my eyes cannot see it, my heart believes and I will live this hope, this faith that God does indeed care more deeply than we could ever imagine.


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When Time Stands Still

Days are full of tasks that can either slow or speed the passing of time but when tragedy strikes, time seems to stand still.  We get stuck in that particular time and space.  I'm stuck in Tuesday.

It was a crisp and cool morning, dark until about 7 a.m.  I went to work as usual, as many people did that day. But it wasn't to be an ordinary day.  There was an accident; an accident that would not only change the life of the runner's family, but also the life of a young man driving from work.
I knew the runner and his family from church; a wife and four beautiful children.  We were simply acquaintances but it was just close enough to home to make an impact, close enough for time to stand still.  It's strange, I feel stuck in that moment yet am watching everything speed by around me.
When tragedy comes into your life it requires something of you.  It demands attention and time to meditate on what was lost.  Not only that, but it almost calls for you to reassess your beliefs about life, death, justice, and meaning.
I've been troubled to the core, working to reconcile my belief of an all-powerful and most-loving God in the midst of a senseless loss.  If I believe that God is all-powerful then certainly I believe He could and should stop the car in the middle of a country road before reaching the runner.  If I believe He is a loving God then wouldn't He, shouldn't He spare the husband, the father of four children and at the same time pardon a young man from the guilt of taking the life of another?
As I considered these things I was also forced to admit that I do not believe in a God that would force or impose His will upon anyone, as if we were His subjects or were simply drones-created only to do His bidding.  I was forced then to conclude that if this God I profess to believe in does not move us about like chess pieces then that car on that country road would stay its course according to the will of its driver just as the runner would continue to run there as he always had.  If God did not cause this tragedy, He allowed it.
My very soul cries out.  I maintain a deep belief in a loving God and yet also wonder why such pain must be experienced in this world.  I have come to no conclusions and wrestle with these two aspects of God: the all-powerful and the non-invasive.  But this I know, in the darkest hours of my life, in all of those moments when time stood still in the face of tragedy, grief or loss, I felt the presence of a loving God surround me to hold me up when I could not stand, to calm fears when I was most anxious and to bring peace in the midst of the storm.
Tomorrow is Friday and most of me will be participating in that day yet a part of me is still "stuck" dealing with Tuesday.