It was a crisp and cool morning, dark until about 7 a.m. I went to work as usual, as many people did that day. But it wasn't to be an ordinary day. There was an accident; an accident that would not only change the life of the runner's family, but also the life of a young man driving from work.
I knew the runner and his family from church; a wife and four beautiful children. We were simply acquaintances but it was just close enough to home to make an impact, close enough for time to stand still. It's strange, I feel stuck in that moment yet am watching everything speed by around me.
When tragedy comes into your life it requires something of you. It demands attention and time to meditate on what was lost. Not only that, but it almost calls for you to reassess your beliefs about life, death, justice, and meaning.
I've been troubled to the core, working to reconcile my belief of an all-powerful and most-loving God in the midst of a senseless loss. If I believe that God is all-powerful then certainly I believe He could and should stop the car in the middle of a country road before reaching the runner. If I believe He is a loving God then wouldn't He, shouldn't He spare the husband, the father of four children and at the same time pardon a young man from the guilt of taking the life of another?
As I considered these things I was also forced to admit that I do not believe in a God that would force or impose His will upon anyone, as if we were His subjects or were simply drones-created only to do His bidding. I was forced then to conclude that if this God I profess to believe in does not move us about like chess pieces then that car on that country road would stay its course according to the will of its driver just as the runner would continue to run there as he always had. If God did not cause this tragedy, He allowed it.
My very soul cries out. I maintain a deep belief in a loving God and yet also wonder why such pain must be experienced in this world. I have come to no conclusions and wrestle with these two aspects of God: the all-powerful and the non-invasive. But this I know, in the darkest hours of my life, in all of those moments when time stood still in the face of tragedy, grief or loss, I felt the presence of a loving God surround me to hold me up when I could not stand, to calm fears when I was most anxious and to bring peace in the midst of the storm.
Tomorrow is Friday and most of me will be participating in that day yet a part of me is still "stuck" dealing with Tuesday.
I knew the runner and his family from church; a wife and four beautiful children. We were simply acquaintances but it was just close enough to home to make an impact, close enough for time to stand still. It's strange, I feel stuck in that moment yet am watching everything speed by around me.
When tragedy comes into your life it requires something of you. It demands attention and time to meditate on what was lost. Not only that, but it almost calls for you to reassess your beliefs about life, death, justice, and meaning.
I've been troubled to the core, working to reconcile my belief of an all-powerful and most-loving God in the midst of a senseless loss. If I believe that God is all-powerful then certainly I believe He could and should stop the car in the middle of a country road before reaching the runner. If I believe He is a loving God then wouldn't He, shouldn't He spare the husband, the father of four children and at the same time pardon a young man from the guilt of taking the life of another?
As I considered these things I was also forced to admit that I do not believe in a God that would force or impose His will upon anyone, as if we were His subjects or were simply drones-created only to do His bidding. I was forced then to conclude that if this God I profess to believe in does not move us about like chess pieces then that car on that country road would stay its course according to the will of its driver just as the runner would continue to run there as he always had. If God did not cause this tragedy, He allowed it.
My very soul cries out. I maintain a deep belief in a loving God and yet also wonder why such pain must be experienced in this world. I have come to no conclusions and wrestle with these two aspects of God: the all-powerful and the non-invasive. But this I know, in the darkest hours of my life, in all of those moments when time stood still in the face of tragedy, grief or loss, I felt the presence of a loving God surround me to hold me up when I could not stand, to calm fears when I was most anxious and to bring peace in the midst of the storm.
Tomorrow is Friday and most of me will be participating in that day yet a part of me is still "stuck" dealing with Tuesday.
Excellent post Sarah. Yes, God "allows" things like this just as He "allows" all the good things in life. But just because He allows something does not mean it is His will. (Otherwise asking His will be done in the Lord's prayer would be meaningless).
ReplyDeleteWhat is so often forgotten is the fall. The pre-fall mandate of having dominion over nature is gone. Rather than being masters over nature (and I have no idea what that would have entailed) we are now subject to it. We live under natural law where, no matter what our intent, we are subject to consequences. Our free will allows us to step off a cliff, but it does not allow us to float in the air.
The "why" this happened is not some mysterious act where we must lay down and subject ourselves to "God's will" or "God's ways are not our ways." Jesus's rage at the tomb of Lazarus closes that door. All we can say (given our finite knowledge) is it was an interplay of decisions whose consequences played out. Is this cold and unfeeling? On the surface yes, but it is a starting place where one can begin to deal with it without questioning God's love, goodness or power.
What we must never forget is that God is not sitting on the sidelines, He cares far beyond we can ever imagine. Cold comfort? For now yes, but the alternative is absolute meaningless where tears mean nothing.
Jack
Jack,
ReplyDeleteThat was profound and I thank you for this post. It was most helpful to me...it was the piece I was missing really so get "unstuck".
It makes perfect sense to me that we are merely subject to nature at this point. When I was diagnosed with cancer I knew God hadn't "given" me cancer, but that I was living in a world where cancer "happens" and it simply happened to me.
Again, I really appreciate your post and the other note you sent me.
Blessings, Sarah