4 a.m.

I woke up at 4 a.m.
No crying baby.  No crazy alarm clock malfunction.  No passing sirens.  Just "up".
My mind started racing.  Mostly fears, I have to admit.  I notice my anxiety level increases the busier I am.  The busier I am the less time I have for self-care and reflection.  The less time for self-care and reflection equals a tense and anxious mama.
2011 was over in a flash.  I can't believe we are beginning 2012.  No, getting up early isn't a New Year's resolution.  I just decided to get up rather than trying to get back to sleep, which would have only made me more groggy once a baby did cry around 5:30 or 6.  No, no resolutions were made at all.
I've been considering the words "resolution", "resolve", "resolute" and no matter the form, the strength and determination and perseverance needed to take action on a resolution seems to allude me.  I have many good ideas, intentions and wishes for myself and my family.  My favorite thing to say to excuse my lack of follow-through on some things is that "I'm an ideas person".  I'm great for a creative idea, but don't ask me to come up with how to carry it out and then to actually CARRY IT OUT.  I want to and often wish I had the resources (internal and otherwise) to carry out my plan, but I just...don't.
2011 brought us two new additions to our family.  Life with Teddy and Sam added to our three part unit has been precious, sweet, exhausting, hard work, and simply beautiful.  Bobby is an excellent big brother and Pete is just the best of the best as far as daddys (and husbands) go.  I couldn't be happier or more content with my guys.  I am so grateful and thankful.
My mind was racing this morning and as I thought about my family I decided we as a family need to come up with a fire escape plan.  Based on my overly anxious thought process this morning, this is what I'm determined to talk about this week.  I can make that resolution.  It's a good idea and I'm sure that I can see it through.
I want to be a good role model to my children, and an encourager in word and deed to my husband.  All of these things are made more difficult when I am tense, stressed and anxious due to lack of taking care of myself. My initial goal in beginning to blog was to chronical the steps I planned to take in increasing personal wellness.  I must say, other than the random Wii fit workout, I have done little toward personal wellness.  The new goals I set forward have not been carried out.
This is not Sarah being hard on herself and posting it for the world to see so that maybe someone will make a kind comment or excuse me for my lack of follow-through on this.  No, it is me being openly honest with you and myself.  By doing so I hope that if/when I do accomplish some of these things I've discussed, we will all learn from the process or will be encouraged by the positive changes made.  (i.e. If I can do it, so can you.)
While I'm not claiming it as a "resolution" I will say that I hope to learn some "follow-through" this year.  That those good ideas I had in 2011 when I began to blog would become a new lifestyle.  I'm aware of my failings, now I want to focus on my strengths and decide how they can help me accomplish what I wish to accomplish.
I won't be getting up at 4 a.m. every morning, but it was nice to have the time to sit, write and reflect.
Thank you for "listening".
God's blessings to YOU in this new year.