Suffering Well

I'm listening to Soul Surfer on audiobook right now.  It's the story of Bethany Hamilton, a young surfer girl in Hawaii who survived a shark attack but lost her left arm as a result.  She shares the trauma and trials of the attack and rehabilitation but also her determination to continue surfing and competing.  In the very first chapter of her book Bethany said something I found to be quite profound.  Hearing it was very timely for me after a day of emotional and spiritual struggle.

"I don't pretend to have the answers to why bad things happen to good people.  But I know that God knows all those answers and sometimes He lets you know in this life and sometimes He asks you to wait so you can have a face to face talk about it."  -Bethany Hamilton

My heart was heavy Monday.  There are so many people that I love who are going through such difficult things right now: bearing up under the weight of depression, walking the weary road of caring for a sick child, learning to live solo when a spouse leaves, facing the facts of a medical diagnosis, the untimely death of a loved one, dealing with the confusion and burden of infertility, striving to cope with chronic pain, the sadness of unfulfilled dreams and the list goes on.  I was truly questioning why such hard times would come to such good people.  I'm thankful for the conversation I had with my coworker, Carol, that day.  She reminded me how limited our view is and how our confusion and frustration should lead us to rely on God more because He sees the big picture.  I realize how limited my understanding is and do know that I see but a tiny puzzle piece of the big picture of life, time and space.  I needed to be reminded of this and to return my focus on God where I can depend on Him for guidance and sometimes answers.

While waiting in line at the grocery store later that day I picked up a devotional that was on clearance and randomly opened the book.  "Patient Perspective" was the name of the reading.  I thoughtlessly read the thing then put it back on the shelf.  Walking to my car and for hours afterward I could not get that 1-minute-read out of my head.  It said, in part:

"If you're impatient for a situation to change, pray for perspective, do what you can, and then trust God for resolution in His time and in His way."  -Everyday Prayers and Praises

This struck me and stuck with me to the point that had to go back later and buy the book.  Even now as I re-read this portion it resonates within my very soul.  I am reminded: I am not in control. In fact, I suffer more when I struggle for control, when I manipulate the words of my prayer in hopes of eliciting a certain response, or try to walk/talk/be just right so that good will come about.  As if it even works that way!  When I realize my tendency toward actions such as these it confuses me.  Those things sound like the acts of a superstitious mind and I don't identify with that.  Why then do I do it?  I believe it goes back to this struggle for control in the midst of suffering or distress.  I may not feel the need to totally avoid the suffering but I do desire to resolve it, to "fix" it for those I love.

I began to focus on the idea of suffering in this life.  Everyone suffers.  Some people may seem to "get off easy" if we compare, but there really is no use in comparing.  In this life we are all given our own road, our own journey.  Sometimes we forget to look at the scenery and become focused on the bumps before us.  I wasn't even focusing on my own bumps, everyone else's  bumps were getting me down!  I pray and I pray so hard for some things. Again, manufacturing phrases or words I hope will be the winning combination to achieve the resolution/healing/deliverance/results I so desire.  But I am confident it does not work that way.  

I've decided that if I must suffer (and we all do/will), I'd prefer not to be frantic about it, I'd like to learn to suffer well.  I've been reading different articles and blogs in regards to suffering.  I found a sweet little blog post that gives practical advice for dealing with suffering.  I'm providing the link here:    http://natepyle.com/practices-for-suffering-well/#sthash.MLA6VlXu.dpbs  I love what he says about honesty in the midst of suffering and how freeing and healing it can be to simply acknowledge that we are suffering.

This memory came to my mind as I was wrestling with thoughts on suffering and my determination to suffer well.  It provides a fair illustration of how this can be accomplished.  To lay back, not giving up on the situation, but with purpose and determination to be at peace in the midst of pain.  It can make the suffering somehow, smoother. 

It was the only time in my life when I thought I was going to die, literally.  I've lived through car accidents that were scary, have been diagnosed with cancer-twice, undergone numerous surgeries, traveled to countries not necessarily "safe" for women, among other things that may have put my life at risk.  But the only time I ever thought, "I'm going to die here," was while swimming in Hawaii.  I was new to the ocean and having an amazing time swimming out on the waves which were huge that day.  It was so much fun rising up with a wave, being able to see so far and then to be lowered down again.  After some time I became very tired.  Swimming and fresh air are a beautiful pair to make one fatigued.  As I started for the shore I was hit from behind, or above, by a crashing wave.  I was right at the breaking point, the place where the wave, after raising up high, crashes down before rolling into shore.  I've never experienced such power of nature before.  It drove me into the ground with such force I could feel my skin grating against the sandy ocean floor.  Before I could gather my strength to pull up out of the water another wave came crashing down on me with similar effect.  I became frantic, flailing my arms and legs, struggling to hold my breath so I didn't inhale anymore salt water. My lungs and eyes were burning from the stuff.  "I can't get out! I'm going to die!" I thought.  Another wave broke on top of me and I was scraping bottom again.  I knew I had to composed myself.  In the midst of the panic something within me identified the rhythm of the waves and knew when the next break would be coming.  I relaxed myself and allowed the break to pummel me into the sand once again and determined to follow the drive of the wave in attempt to be propelled closer to shore and out of the breaking point.  Maybe it was my presence of mind, maybe it was my determination, maybe it was the end of that set of waves and didn't have anything to do with me at all, but I found myself out of the proverbial wave-blender,  battered and gasping for air as I crawled onto the shore-alive!

It's similar to what I wrote about trying to "absorb the pain of the needle sting".  When I relaxed and invited the needle rather than struggle against it, it made the procedure smoother.  I wouldn't say the pain was any less but my emotional/mental anguish was diminished.  When I quit fighting the waves and literally rolled with them, the pain of being driven into the ground wasn't lessened but it was a smooth transition out of the break and I was able to move up out of the situation. 

These thoughts have stayed with me throughout this week.  This idea, this theme is not one that I've resolved within myself.  Learning to suffer well, like anything else, is a process and I'm sure I will continue to grow in it and be challenged by it with each new trial.  I am determined to pray for proper and patient perspective in the midst of difficulty, to relax under the weight of the waves and roll with the turbulent tide, and to focus on the One who knows the answers to the tough questions.