Results of my PET scan were favorable. There was no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body besides the tumors in my right breast and one lymph node. Everything reported were things we already knew about. That was and is so encouraging!
I know there were some friends and family praying that there would be no cancer evident at all; a complete healing. While I think that would have been excellent I have come to learn through my years and experience with a previous cancer, diagnosis of diabetes and whatever else I've had to deal with along the way, that "healing" doesn't always meet our expectations.
I've had many years to contemplate my thoughts and beliefs on this subject. When I was 17 years old and diagnosed with cancer for the first time, osteogenic sarcoma in the left femur, after getting through the utter shock of it, I did pray believing God could heal me in a heartbeat. Weeks passed, months passed and I still believed He could heal me, heal me by taking away the cancer altogether and keep me from having to complete my 49 rounds of chemotherapy treatment. I knew He could mend my leg so that I wouldn't have to have limb salvage surgery and live with chronic pain and titanium rods in my leg. He, the Creator of my leg, could easily have taken a breath and crafted a new bone for me. But that didn't happen. And I completed my 49 rounds of chemo, had the limb salvage surgery and deal with pain when I overdo it, the weather is off or just because. But healing did come. Not the wow-factor kind, or the science-can't-explain-it kind but the slow-borne healing of medicine, treatment and time. I lived 22 years and 7 months free of cancer! I remain a survivor of bone cancer and will celebrate that 23rd anniversary on June 2nd (as well as my 9th wedding anniversary!).
I do believe in a miracle-performing, ever-present, all-concerning and consuming God who knows me intimately and infinitely; who loves me more than I can fathom. I believe He wants good for me. His primary concern is that I would know Him and would respond to His love. Often times we want, hope or expect that God is concerned about our comfort and happiness. And while I know and do believe that He loves to give good gifts to His children, those gifts don't necessarily correlate with our ideas of comfort and happiness.
A. W. Tozer said: “When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it resolves a great deal of anxiety.” And honestly, I'm beginning to feel that way too. The amount of peace and clarity that has come already in this cancer diagnosis/treatment process has been incredible. I'm not comfortable but I'm peaceful.
As I consider this topic of healing in other areas of my life, not just cancer, I immediately think of anxiety. Starting in 2005 I was plagued by crippling panic attacks. I was unable to drive 3 miles without having to pull over and practice my deep breathing and try to talk myself "off the ledge" so to speak. I was having panic attacks daily at work and could not go to the grocery store by myself for fear of getting stuck there, unable to move. The panic attacks subsided a bit amidst the joy and excitement of meeting Pete, falling in love with him and ultimately marrying him. In the midst of all of that anxiety I met Pete, got engaged and planned a wedding all in 9 months! Obviously, there was some amount of peace and clarity experienced in the midst of that storm. Shortly after we were married, however, the panic attacks picked back up in intensity. One day I found myself sitting on the floor in the middle of Target with a cart full of groceries and I was frantically trying to call anyone I could think of who could talk to me and help calm me down. I used the cart to carry me out of the store, staring at the floor with every step, left the cart at the door and made it to my car praying, "God help me, God help me," all the way. It was one of the worst moments of my life. If you've never experienced anxiety or particularly panic it may be hard for you to understand what I'm saying here. But, in those moments you literally think you are going to die, loose control, be lost in some way, have a heart attack, pass out, or any number of things you might imagine that would cause fear or terror.
I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with an emphasis on the "clinical". I have a private practice where I teach people coping skills and ways to deal with their anxiety and panic. I knew what I was experiencing but couldn't see my way around it. I knew I needed medicinal intervention and so for just over a year I went on anti-anxiety medication. I took my medication faithfully, practiced my relaxation techniques, worked on renewing my mind and recounting Scripture, cut down on the heavy metal music intake, and became acutely aware of my triggers so I could fend off a panic attack before it started. I had to change jobs as I became aware that the position I was in (working as a therapist at a cancer support center) triggered my anxiety. That move was very hard for me as the position I held there was my "dream job". After making the change however I noticed the panic was decreased.
This was a long process that is easy to sum up here but was not so easy to implement. It was a lot of hard work but it paid off. It has now been years since I've had a panic attack and years since I've needed the aid of anti-anxiety medication. I am comfortable and confident in saying that I was healed from panic attacks.
After leaving the cancer support center due to my anxiety/panic I went to work for hospice. I know, it may sound strange that that should have been a positive switch for me, but it was. There was something about the certainty that I was there to help make a person's transition from this life to the next a little more comfortable and to support the family throughout the process as well, held a strange sort of stability for me. I didn't have to guess if someone was going to die, I knew eventually all my patients would and I knew my role in the midst of it. I found peace in that.
One of the things that hospice staff talk to families and patients about is this idea of healing. Healing doesn't always meet our expectations. It is true that healing comes in many forms and at different times. In death we find healing of a deeper and spiritual kind. We talk about this in our culture and may even be unaware that we are doing so. When someone dies we say things like, "He's in a better place," or "She's not suffering anymore". This speaks of the healing of the soul, no longer in turmoil, at peace. My hospice experience and these many conversations have helped to shape my thoughts and beliefs regarding healing and I am thankful for it.
Last month I wrote a blog post entitled "Choose Peace" where I recounted my emotional struggle with my mother's cancer diagnosis over a year ago. In that blog I stated, "just because there is drama in my life doesn't mean I need to respond dramatically." When I consider that statement now I shake my head and laugh a delighted laugh. For one historically prone to anxiety and panic it is amazing to think that in the face of my mother's diagnosis I came away with peace of a deeper kind than I'd ever known. If you read or re-read the post you'll see much of that was due to my mother's example.
I received such good news yesterday. No cancer anywhere else in my body except what we were already aware of. I'm so grateful. "No cancer anywhere" would have been amazing to hear too! I have a hope and a trust that my cancer-healing will come and in the meantime I am being healed in other ways and in other areas of my life day by day.
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