There are days in my life that I would be happy to repeat. My wedding day for one! It was like living the excitement of a thousand childhood Christmas eves! Spending our first night together as husband and wife. The day I found out I was pregnant with our first child. The day I found out I was pregnant with our second AND third! And of course, the day I found out I was pregnant with our fourth and final child. Meeting said babes for the first time. Those were great days, stellar moments in my life.
Conversely, there are days I have lived through that I would never care to repeat and even some that I may want to forget. Days that were marked by traumatic circumstances or the consequences of poor decisions. In life, however, we don't get the option to repeat or to forget. But through it all I've learned some things. I realized if I get stuck in the memories of days gone by, the ones I'd ask to repeat, I risk missing out on the beauty of today and the memories that are being made here and now.
In the same respect, when I'm in the midst of a day I'd like to forget and am wishing time away, there is that same risk of missing out on the secret beauty that lies within. Not only that, but I may fail to see the beauty that lies within or beyond my struggle or trial. I have seen it time and again in my life; seen good things come from difficult situations.
Isaiah 61:3 says we will be given "...a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."
I was talking with a patient during a visit the other day. She asked me after some conversation how long I've been cancer-free. I briefly explained that it has almost been 23 years but that I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She couldn't believe it. I told her that I see it all as a learning experience, adding, "There must be something I missed the first time so I hope to learn that lesson this time around!" And while we laughed about it at the time I realize there is much truth to that. While I never wanted to have to repeat those days of cancer, chemo and illness there was much beauty and many positive things that came from that time, rich life lessons learned.
Today was my "big day" at The Block Center in Skokie. This is an integrative cancer care center. I met with a dietician for meal/supplement planning, a social worker for stress management and support planning, a medical technician for strength testing and vitals, an oncologist to develop a treatment plan and a phlebotomist who took much of my blood for testing. It was a very busy, very productive day and here is "the plan". Next week will be the week of tests: a PET scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body and a MUGA scan to test my heart function. I will be having a port placed on March 24th early in the morning. This is an outpatient surgery. The port is inserted under the skin and a tube is looped into an artery for distribution of chemotherapy. This is preferable to using veins for chemo delivery. After the port placement I will be going to the Block Center for blood work to see if I am cleared for chemotherapy and will be meeting with Dr. Block. If all goes well I will receive a high dose of Vitamin C in preparation for chemo and will start chemotherapy the very next day. The day after the chemo treatment I will go back to The Block Center for a neulasta (white blood cell booster) shot and another dose of Vitamin C.
This will happen every three weeks for 6 cycles. While it sounds arduous, I was very happy with every person I met at The Center today and am happy to have them for my healthcare team. The Center itself is very small, clean and inviting. They offer yoga classes, cooking classes, and massage therapy all while you are there for your treatments. The program and the Center itself is set up in such a way that I actually felt like I wanted to spend time there. If one must have chemotherapy it seems a very positive thing to have a space to go to that is so welcoming.
So, while I am encouraged by these things I am also nervous. I hope I'm up to the task. I have excellent friend/family support, a healthcare team I like and have confidence in and believe in a God who not only heals but also redeems even the darkest of situations/times.
In his book, The Making of an Ordinary Saint, Nathan Foster says, "Weakness creates space for God. The healthy don't need a doctor." And so in this trying time I plan to see God in the space created by my weakness. I plan to receive joy to replace my mourning. I am determined to find the beauty in each day, living moment by moment so that I don't miss a thing. There is beauty within and beauty beyond these difficult times and I plan to experience it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment