Losing My Grip (on Grace)

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems as though you are on the outside looking in?  Today was one of those days for me.  I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or if I'm just losing it here, but I felt as though I were watching myself go throughout the day today and I must say I wasn't thrilled with my "performance".  Bobby was whining all day.  We were at a church picnic this morning and he was unhappy with pretty much everything.  I thought I had control of my frustration as I tried to work with him.  Pete (my husband) commented that I should lower my voice because I was coming across in a way that I wouldn't want to; a way that is not like me.  (I later wondered, 'if I "sounded" like that, does it mean I am that?)
Even after a mid-day nap with a wrestless Sam by my side my ability to cope with the crying and fuss from my 5-month old twins was minimal.  I snapped at Pete; tried desperately to calm Teddy, then Sam, then Bobby, then Sam again; attempted to sit down and eat dinner in one sitting(didn't happen); made effort at organizing the kitchen; all while trying to be gracious about giving Pete the time and space to get his work done for school. 
I watched myself eat junk today without a second thought.  I justified it by saying, 'once this is gone we won't buy anymore, then I'll be forced to eat better'.  No wonder I feel slow and tired and not myself today...
The boys are in bed now.  Pete is wrapping up his work.  I sit alone with a headache and reflect on the day.  Was I the person I wanted to be today?  Nope.  The forbearance of my family and friends as I struggled through has allowed me to experience grace.  Grace: a sweet goodnight hug and kiss from my Bobby, snuggling with my twins as they finally give in to sleep, a tender look from my husband, breathing deeply and allowing myself to consider how much WORSE the day could have been as I realize that I am truly exhausted.
Another deep breath.  Reflect on the beauty of this day.  Whisper a reminder to be patient with myself. Grab onto grace and hold on.

Small Stuff = Important Stuff

As I live out this committment toward blooming mentally, physically and spiritually I am careful not to become legalistic.  I have a tendency to be a bit harsh with myself and can very easily feel guilty for perceived failure.  And so today, I moved the Wii to the basement where I will begin my work-outs with Wii fit.  I did not have the time to work-out today, but, even the small stuff if important stuff.  Baby step: take the Wii to the basement. 

The Spiritual power of a pedicure

I don't know if it was the massaging chair, the warm water, the lower leg and foot massage or the pretty flower painted on the nail of each big toe...somewhere during this evening's pedicure I began to breathe more slowly, felt my shoulders relax, halted my racing mind and experienced each moment of time as my friend Cindy and I allowed ourselves to transcend into a state of calm and relaxation.
I am serious when I say I experienced something spiritual during that pedicure.  I have come away from it with a sense of serenity (deeper than relaxation).  This night I am living testimony to the benefits of self-care and have never felt it's benefits more acutely!
Thanks again to Cindy for encouraging me to get out for a little "girl time" and to be good to myself.

"Not So Fast" and "What the Doctor Said"

One of the first things I should share about myself is that I'm an ideas person. I can become so easily inspired and really think up some great stuff! Where I lack inspiration, or discipline is in the follow-through. My shared grand ideas are usually followed by warnings from those who know me best: "Not so fast". "Stop". "Think". "Plan". Then initiate. I tend to skip the thinking and planning, heading straight for the excitement of initiation.

I want this to be different...it all started with what my doctor told me yesterday. But first, some history.

The day before my 28th birthday I was diagnosed with diabetes at the clinic on the campus of Michigan State University where I was attending graduate school. There was no education or planning, just a simple question, "has anyone ever told you you're diabetic?" and a presciption for some pill to take.

Over the course of the past ten years I have learned much about diabetes. Most of what I've learned comes in large part from my friend Kristi, who was diagnosed just a year before me and was my college roommate at the time of my diagnosis. (No, diabetes is not contagious!) She passed on all her knowledge of diabetes treatment and management to me and steered me toward endochronologists who helped to empower their patients rather than make them feel guilty about their disease.

Of my own accord I have been managing my diabetes with insulin for the past 8 years. I found it beneficial for maintaining tight control over blood sugar levels. Most recently I have used the newest in technology with the insulin pump and then the pod (tubeless insulin therapy-send me a message if you want to know more about either).

In the midst of this I have experienced something strange. While no endochronologist has ever been certain of my diagnosis (Type I or II) because I'm not stereotypical of either, I have more often than not been treated as Type II. (My pancreas produces some amount of insulin). During pregnancy, as with any diabetic, my need for insulin rises. But in my experience (and this is that "something strange") after giving birth I require absolutely no insulin or pill therapy. My bloodsugar levels are completely normal for usually up to 2 months.

That brings us to what the doctor said yesterday. I returned to my endochronologist 5 months after giving birth to my twin boys. My bloodsugar levels had been slightly high but I was using bare minimum of insulin, not even on a daily basis.

After talking with me about the past 5 months she said, "Want to try a pill?" I eagerly said yes! Get off of insulin? Um, yes...Then she said what leads us to the reason for this blogs very existence: "If all goes well on the pill, maybe we can work to manage this with diet and exercise."

Those were the magic words. No insulin. No pill. Managing with a healthy lifestyle-diet and exercise...

All kinds of ideas came flooding in about how I would do this, and do that to make sure that I could come off of treatment altogether. However, I realized something in the midst of all these inspirational thoughts and ideas: I do not want to fizzle out on this the way I do when I skip the steps necessary to success! Hence, this blog.

I want to use this time and space to present my ideas, thoughts and plans. Then, to share with you the results of those plans as I carry them out. I have stated that my overall goal is to bloom mentally, physically and spiritually; to acheive that state of healthful beauty and vigor.

Physically: I plan to read A LOT about healthy eating and find a way to eat healthy that makes sense to me and fits into my lifestyle. I will post the things I try and how it went, including how it effected my bloodsugar levels. I also intend to begin exercising. With three boys under the age of two, and two part-time jobs this will probably present my biggest challenge. I intend to exercise no less than 3 days a week, for no less than 20 minutes each time.

*Disclaimer: this blog will in NO WAY provide medical advice about managing diabetes. It is simply a diary of my journey in trying to manage this disease to the best of my ability. Please consult your physician before making ANY changes to your medications, diet or physical activity.

Mentally: This plan of action actually began early this year. I have begun to read for pleasure again, as I have to read so much for my private counseling practice, this is a welcomed escape. I have also resumed teaching relaxation and guided imagery to my clients which in turn helps me. Being intentional about the present moment actually is a work I began when my oldest son was born. I wanted to savor every moment and am so glad I have been doing that. Now with three children that intention becomes more difficult to practice, but I am fully committed to continuing life that way and watching how it transforms all of my relationships.

Spiritually: I will commit to a devotional time where I read, meditate or pray each day. Again, it is unrealistic to set a particular time for myself. (The babies aren't on a sleep schedule at night yet!) Also, to take more time to SEE the natural beauty around me and to reserve criticism or complaints about the weather. (We actually need precipitation after all!) A grateful life, a life of praise, that is what I will aspire to!

I will do my best not to embelish any of this to make myself look better, but to be brutally honest with myself and with you. That's the only way to get (and perhaps give) the help needed for change and growth.

In all, I hope to achieve that bloom, that healthful state of beauty and vigor. Not only for myself, but for my husband and my boys, for those I work with in practice and care for in the medical field. In caring for myself this way I may not only reduce the need for diabetes treatment, but I will become a more beautiful and pleasant person to be with. I would love that.