Have you ever had one of those days where it seems as though you are on the outside looking in? Today was one of those days for me. I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or if I'm just losing it here, but I felt as though I were watching myself go throughout the day today and I must say I wasn't thrilled with my "performance". Bobby was whining all day. We were at a church picnic this morning and he was unhappy with pretty much everything. I thought I had control of my frustration as I tried to work with him. Pete (my husband) commented that I should lower my voice because I was coming across in a way that I wouldn't want to; a way that is not like me. (I later wondered, 'if I "sounded" like that, does it mean I am that?)
Even after a mid-day nap with a wrestless Sam by my side my ability to cope with the crying and fuss from my 5-month old twins was minimal. I snapped at Pete; tried desperately to calm Teddy, then Sam, then Bobby, then Sam again; attempted to sit down and eat dinner in one sitting(didn't happen); made effort at organizing the kitchen; all while trying to be gracious about giving Pete the time and space to get his work done for school.
I watched myself eat junk today without a second thought. I justified it by saying, 'once this is gone we won't buy anymore, then I'll be forced to eat better'. No wonder I feel slow and tired and not myself today...
The boys are in bed now. Pete is wrapping up his work. I sit alone with a headache and reflect on the day. Was I the person I wanted to be today? Nope. The forbearance of my family and friends as I struggled through has allowed me to experience grace. Grace: a sweet goodnight hug and kiss from my Bobby, snuggling with my twins as they finally give in to sleep, a tender look from my husband, breathing deeply and allowing myself to consider how much WORSE the day could have been as I realize that I am truly exhausted.
Another deep breath. Reflect on the beauty of this day. Whisper a reminder to be patient with myself. Grab onto grace and hold on.
I'm not giving you an excuse, just a reminder. After giving birth, it takes up to a full YEAR for our hormones to return to "normal". Add on top of that the extreme stress we put on ourselves (at least I do) to be super mommy...doing what needs to be done the right way every way. It's alright. And it's wonderful that you recognize what today was...just for what it was. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I haven't known you for years but I do know, just from what I've read here and seen on FB, that you are out to do good and right by yourself and your family. Keep up the great work, remember who you are inside and all will be great. Without these down days how would you ever recognize to good ones? They're all valid emotions. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteAngel,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement and reminder to be kind to myself, especially as hormones are not quite back to "normal" yet :)
You are very kind!