Stability and another Day One Done

The last two weeks have been among the most emotional that I've spent in some time.  I was crying about everything and anything but at the core is this deep grief over the loss of health, strength, energy and stability.  In times such as these the stability of family life is impacted, the stability of self, the stability of faith, all of these are tested.

I posted on Facebook that I was having a very difficult time preparing emotionally and mentally for this round of chemo.  It each of my previous two treatment have been rough rebounds and just when I'm feeling more like myself I find it's time to turn around and do it again.  It's a crazy carnival ride!  This round and round was truly testing the stability of self.  Could I make myself keep up with this?  I joked with Pete that he would have to tranquilize me and carry me in for chemo.  (I was only half joking at the time.)

During the last treatment my parents came to watch the fellas at home then took them on a road trip to visit their cousins in New Jersey.  So I didn't see my babies for a week and 3 days.  While I was in bed, weak, couldn't even SEE the housework that needed to be done and went back to work half days so I could go back to bed all afternoon, I still missed those children like mad.  I could see the absolute impact on the stability of family life that this illness and subsequent treatment invokes.

In some ways I was glad the boys didn't have to be there with me in bed all the time telling them to "go play" or "lets watch (another) movie" because that's all I could have mustered those first couple weeks after treatment.  They had a blast with their Mimi and Papa and getting to go to see Lillian, Maggie, Uncle Jake and Aunt Jeannine.  The joy those little boys bring to me cannot be measured and the healing produced in the midst of joy and love is boundless!  I was so happy to have them home at the end of it!  And I was starting to feel better, so that served to improve the time we would have together until the next treatment.
I worked on Monday and struggled.  I didn't struggle with work but with focus and clarity.  It was like my lifeline, the one strung between my heart and the heart of the Creator God, our heavenly Father, the Great Physician, was washed over by a wave of confusion and doubt.  The lifeline was all jammed up!  I was in the midst of a crisis of faith and I knew it.  But God provides.  He speaks to us out of the darkness, through the chaos.  He speaks in dreams, in nature, in Scripture and in the voice of a friend.  As part of my work day I was having computer issues, as we sometimes do in our workdays, and this required a meeting with someone I knew would not only assist me with my computer issues but someone I could talk to about my stability of faith issues too.

I've been known to say that "Faith does not call for certainty, it calls for hope and trust.  It calls for moving forward, one step at a time, regardless of whether or not the next foot hold is in view."  (From my last post "Dreams and Promises").  So I know that a faith crisis simply serves to deepen our faith through struggle and determination, resulting in a peace that no one can understand because it is simply Divine.  I was not afraid of this faith crisis, but I knew I needed to seek wise counsel in the midst of it.  Shannel had provided me with a shot-in-the-arm, faith-filler conversation at another point in my life when I needed it and here she was, on my schedule due to computer issues and I knew it was a Divine appointment that day.

Shannel reminded me to be open to God, to pray that whatever I might be thinking or feeling that it would not block the blessing that God had in store for me.  I applied that truth to the jammed up lifeline too.  I didn't want my fears and frustrations to block my path to God.  I wanted fear and frustrations to simply serve as reminders to look for grace and that Divine, unimaginable peace in the midst of them.  My friend reminded me that our view is so limited but God sees the big picture (how many times will God have to send friends in my path to remind me of this?!)  I shared my dreams with Shannel and began to recount God's faithfulness and provision in my life.  It was such a nice conversation of hope, healing and praise even in the midst of my faith crisis and Shannel's most recent loss of a loved one.  We know our heavenly Father is caring for us.  I left feeling uplifted and encouraged.

Tuesday we had a bit of a rocky start.  We didn't get out the door when we anticipated and the departure wasn't a smooth one with 4 boys wanting to go in 4 different directions.  I knew I was in for it when between our house in Kankakee where it was sunny and a balmy 70 something and the 11 miles to Cindy's house where the kids would be dropped off and staying for a few days the temperature dropped about 15 degrees (and falling) with a steady rain.  I had left my new spring jacket, yes rain resistant, on my bed because the weather report had said 70-80 some degrees for the next few days, so I packed accordingly!  I had based this on a weather report for Kankakee.  By the time we had said our good-byes (with tears shed by me), I had borrowed a raincoat from Cindy, and we had driven another 20 miles north the temperature was still dropping.  It dropped to 57 degrees by the time we reached The Block Center.  I was wearing sandals, linen pants and a short sleeve tee.  I was the picture of summertime.  Doctor Penny Block even made mention of my attire "looks like you're ready for spring" when she first saw me.  I wanted to borrow her overcoat!  I cried tears over my new coat that would have worked perfectly in such a time and temp as this.  Of course, those tears were not for the coat.  Here I was, about to "do it again".  This crazy carnival ride that just doesn't make sense, here I was hopping on for another go.  So, I posted on Facebook "Prayer support appreciated" and I must say, I could feel the prayers.  I know there are many friends and family who are praying for me and I have said it before that I feel lifted by those prayers.  It is true, always true.  I am so very grateful for those who pray, send cards of encouragement, share Scriptures and love and hope with me.

Today, another Day One, done.  It was a good day.  I was able to catch up briefly with a couple I met last time through my mom.  They asked about her and we talked a bit.  It was nice to have more familiar faces to see.  My nurse Jessica is just amazing anyway, but she always brings a smile, shares part of herself with me, and makes me laugh.  I think we have similar senses of humor.  It's just nice.  God chose the perfect nurse for me!  The PA, Jen who is as cute as a button both in looks and personality was such an encouragement for me today.  I had a breast exam for the first time since starting chemo and Jen confirmed what I already knew, the tumor has shrunk so much it is no longer palpable, neither is the one lymph node that could be felt at one time.  Such good news!  The treatment and the prayers are working!  Another thing discovered during my exam was that I have a hernia.  I had my suspicions ever since having William 20 months ago!  I had been having trouble breathing at times when trying to lift things so I was wearing the fancy little belly support bands that they give you after a c-section and using it to support my abdomen where I was feeling the strain.  Jen told me that was a really smart thing for me to do.  (I didn't know I was being smart, I just knew it felt better if I wore it!)  So she expressed that the type of reconstruction I'm considering for my surgery later this year (more on that later) would probably help to fix that, along with learning more yoga/pilates to strengthen those abdominal muscles that have been compromised.  I felt so validated and encouraged after that exam!

Cindy knew pictures of my kids would be just the thing to cheer me and so she sent pictures of their adventures throughout the day.  Each one made me smile. It's also such a blessing to know how well my kiddos are being looked after while we are here and they are there.

The next bit of encouragement I was to receive throughout the day was this post on Facebook, coming from a mama who is going through some kind of struggle I can't even imagine:  Joshua 1:9 "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” This is their family's verse during a difficult time of seeking the health and healing of their young son.  She shared it in hopes of encouraging others.  It encouraged me today.
There have been so many who have left cards for me to find at my house (Cindy) and words of encouragement on Facebook, or sent cards, provided meals, all to show care, concern and support.  It is acknowledged and appreciate more than words can express.  And speaking of more than words can express...

My husband has been such an encouragement to me since this all started. Pete is/has been a cheerleader, a coach, a patient partner and hard worker both at home and in his career.  He shared this prayer with me at the beginning of our day, I shared it on Facebook but would like to share it here as well.  It is entitled "Let Your Healing Light Shine" from Richard Foster's book, Prayers from the Heart:

Let Your healing light shine, O God.
Give doctors unusual skill in the healing arts.
Give researchers success in curing diseases.
Give counselors insight and healing love.
Give pastors discernment and tender compassion.
Give social workers courage and boundless love.
Let Your healing light shine, O God.
Amen.

I go to bed (finally!) with a heart that feels stable.  I have received my "daily bread" as we ask for it in The Lord's Prayer.  And tomorrow I will need to make that request again.  But for now, I'm thankful that another day one is officially done.