Bobby, the oldest at 5 years old, seeks to help in whatever way he can and beams with pride when his efforts are acknowledged. Before my diagnosis I felt he was entering a stage where he was gravitating more toward his dad and guy time but lately he has stayed close to mom and loves to snuggle more than usual. He asks what would make me feel better and I know he'd go to the ends of the earth to get it for me. I often respond, "Your hugs." Or simply, "you do!"
Teddy, second oldest son and eldest of the 4 year old twins by a minute, brings me flowers from the yard, stickers and fruit. He asks me when I'll be done with my medicine. I explain that my medicine will be done in July but then I will have to have surgery in August. Ted tries to surround his mom with beautiful things and is so pleased when I display his offerings. The other day he took me by the hand to lead me (with my eyes closed per instructions) to this plant that had bloomed in our flower bed. He was sharing a beautiful surprise with me and asked that I take a picture.
Sam, our second 4 year old and 3rd son, also offers gifts such as stickers off of his morning banana (every morning he brings it to me, without fail). But his favorite thing to do is to connect with me in regards to our similarities. He reminds me often that we share a favorite color (orange) and like the same foods (when I am actually able to eat). Whatever the case may be he makes sure to point out where he and I meet and always ends with a hug and a smile. He asks me often when I'm going to feel better. I simply respond, "Soon, buddy. I hope very soon."
William is "the baby" and while he is 21months old he is still my baby. Will, or Mr. Mister as we all call him, seems to be holding on to everyone more. He will go down the line to find out where everyone is at all times, this includes Cindy, Mimi, Papa and even Molly (our dog) and Maddy (Cindy's dog). This may be natural for his age but it seems noteworthy. With my "disappearance" for a few days every 3 weeks and the break in structure that creates, I believe he's trying to keep everything and everyone in place in that mind of his. It's always fun when we reunite to have him run into my arms shouting joyfully, "MOMMY!"
These boys are beautiful, rambunctious, silly and smart. They continue to learn, grow and change at lightening speed. And as I strive to keep up in the midst of work, chores and treatment maybe the more appropriate question is: How am I handling them in the midst of this cancer treatment craziness? For their sakes this is an important question.
I'm exhausted and I feel taxed and spent most days from the word go. I often end the day disappointed with myself at my impatience or the way I dealt with things. I strategize how I can avoid those same pitfalls tomorrow. Sometimes it works. Other times not. But I believe the biggest lesson I've learned is to let go and love. If that's all I do during the day then it was a great day. I'll let go of those things that would typically weigh me down (the "to do's"); let go of the way I think my boys should behave (ie. quiet, calm, etc). And I will love every moment. I will love the way they jump around and wrestle one another. I'll love the way their lips quiver when they are put in time out for hitting. I will love the relentless questions and requests at bedtime. I will love the sweaty, sleepy head on my shoulder.
I will have grace for them and for myself. They are gracious with me. I try to be humble and honest with them. I know when I blow it and am sure to apologize to them for "throwing a fit" (indeed that is often the case). I try to limit expectations or plans for the day. The goal is to spend time with my boys and be present in it. If there is a chore that is in dire need of completion I will involve all of the boys in the project. They love to help.
I will savor every hug, back rub, hand pat, kiss, flower, sticker, smile and look from these boys because I know in them they are loving me. At the end of the day it is this exchange of love in word and deed that matters.
I could go on and on about my boys. How are they, you ask? They are amazing. Very loving and caring toward their mama. I am beyond blessed by them.
My posse :)
Picture courtesy of Cindy Heimberger 2015
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