Something as Simple as Food

I have been struggling lately.  It's not a new issue but it has gotten worse as treatments have worn on. I can't eat.  Or, I can eat but I have to force myself for the most part.  Food tastes horrible.  The chemotherapy has messed up my taste buds and taints the flavor of almost any food I try to eat and I try many different things in hope of finding something that will agree with me.  
Those closest to me know what a mental challenge this is.  It actually causes mental anguish, I would say, at times.  Most everything sounds good, looks good and smells good.  The other day I was craving pizza so much.  I had thought about it all day.  My husband suggested that we order a pizza so I could just give it a try.  When the pizza arrived I smelled it, looked at it then just put my hands on the box and sobbed.  
"I just want it to taste right," I cried, "I just want it to be good."
It wasn't good.  But I was able to eat about 5 bites before my gag reflex kicked in to remind me that I wasn't in total control.
I really think that was a turning point for me.  A point when I realized or decided that this just wasn't right.  How can it be a good thing for a person to be unable to help themselves in the most basic way, by eating.  It has been some time since I've had a fully nourishing meal.  Drinking protein shakes which include my supplements only takes me so far.  My stomach feels hungry most of the time and I am unable to feed it.  
Yesterday showed some improvement.  Today was even better.  I know each day will be better than the last.  In the meantime I've been losing weight.  With so little fat and so little nourishment I wonder how much of my supplements are even being absorbed in my system.

I just finished listening to the book Radical Remission on audiobook and loved it.  I would recommend it to anyone and everyone for the sake of their health, wellbeing, and balance.  It was such an encouraging piece of work for me to read/hear during such a difficult time.  The book provides testimonies of many different cancer survivors and their healing journeys.  Some went through traditional cancer treatment, others found healing by other means.  The author, Dr. Kelly Turner, outlines the 9 things each cancer survivor that she interviewed or who shared their story on her website www.radicalremission.com, had in common.  They include: Radically Changing Your Diet, Taking Control of Your Health, Following Your Intuition, Using Herbs and Supplements, Releasing Suppressed Emotions, Increasing Positive Emotions, Embracing Social Supports, Deepening Spiritual Connection, Having Strong Reasons for Living.  

Before chemo started in March I had already radically changed my diet.  I was eating a mostly vegan diet with the occasional exception.  I had seen the benefits of this in my energy level and moderate weight loss.  It felt good to know I was doing something healthy for my body.  Since being on chemo I have been unable to follow that diet due to the taste buds and gag reflex.  What little I can eat has been off plan.  At this point, however, the goal is simply to eat.

Another step I had already taken toward health and balance was the use of supplements.  The Block Center increased the number of supplements I take when I began treatment.  That has been a difficult thing for me to maintain as well due to the gag reflex.  As many of my supplements as possible were changed to capsules so I could pour the powder out of the capsule into my protein shake as it has been very difficult for me to take pills lately.
I believe we all have to continue work for emotionally wellness.  The decision to release suppressed emotions and increase the positive is a daily one.  

My social support network has been AMAZING from the first day.  I'm often overwhelmed by the love and kindness of the people at my church, those I work with, friends, family and even strangers.  I am not adverse to speaking up when I need something.  I know there is a blessing in giving as well as receiving and I feel truly blessed.  I tell people I feel carried by the prayers of those who are faithfully praying for me.  It's tangible and I'm amazed by it.  I know my social support system is an important part of my healing.

I have always had a deep faith.  I can see how each step of this life leads me to learn more and more.  Every situation builds on my faith and my relationship with God.  It's this connection that fuels me. 

Having Strong Reasons for Living...their names are Bobby, Teddy, Sam, William and Pete.  My loves and my life. 

Taking Control of Your Health and Following Your Intuition were very important chapters for me.  I said earlier that crying over that box of pizza was a turning point for me.  In that moment I realized how desperate I had become and how out of control I truly feel.  Those two important chapters provided such a level of encouragement for me in the midst of deep frustration and sadness.  They empowered me by reminding me that I have a voice and the inner sense (intuition) as to how best to care for myself.

Starting with lack of food and ending with page 290 of Radical Remission, I have been on quite a journey of desperation and self-discovery that I will be sharing more about in future posts.  For now I will say that I feel I am healing from the inside out.  I was reminded tonight in 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ the new creation has come, the old has gone..."  Every issue in my life is in Christ because I am.  This is good news, as I certainly cannot handle this latest challenge on my own!  So I will continue to seek Him in the midst of this situation.  I will ask for His wisdom and guidance in this healing process and choose to believe that very soon I will be able to enjoy even something as simple as food.