Me, Being Real (take 2)

I'm so upset right now I can't stand it.  I'm so angry I could punch a wall and so disappointed that I'm crying my eyes out.  I just spent a couple hours on a post that spoke my heart, was encouraging for me to process through and I was excited about sharing and I. LOST. IT.
These are the bits and pieces I can remember at 1 o'clock in the morning, mad as hell...or just sad.  I share them with you now just feeling at a loss:



Full disclosure: I'm jealous of healthy people.  And even more than that, I find myself imagining what it might be like to BE them.  If I see a beautiful, strong woman I think about what it must be like to be her: to have legs that can run, hair down my back and whole, healthy breasts.  I daydream about feeling confident, secure and sexy.
But I know that woman I am looking at doesn't have it "all" the way it appears.  In any given moment I too can be all of those things I wish to be and others may look at me with envy.  

My children laugh or call my name.  This is my beautiful reality.  I want to be here with them each moment.  When I look at them, touch them, speak to them I think about their father.  Our union brought them into being.  Our life together created these 4 beautiful creatures and I can't imagine anything else.  

Nine years of marriage to Pete has seemed longer and shorter.  These years have been filled with joy and laughter.  We are really going through it here and even in the times we are both difficult to be around I wouldn't want anything or anyone else.  At the end of the day there are kisses, hugs and prayers.  We hold each other tight and trust God for sleep and another sunrise.

But life is inconstant, isn't it?  That's what makes each moment so precious.

On my Facebook page I often share quotes from Henri Nouwen.  I often find his words to be wise, inspiring and even life changing.  I like this one because it highlights the importance of our vulnerabilities:  "If I am able to remember loneliness during joy, I might be able in the future to remember joy during loneliness and so be stronger to face it and help others face it." -Henri Nouwen
That is why I write.  To bring encouragement to myself through full exploration of the pleasure and the pain of life.  And to help others face their vulnerabilities and to celebrate with them in their victories.

In our vulnerability we become open to receive the gifts that others have to give that we may otherwise have denied because we believed we didn't "need" them.  As my mother used to tell me, you're robbing them of a blessing when you refuse the gifts they have to give.

I'd rather be out on a limb with Pete, Bobby, Teddy, Sam and Will than to be firmly planted on the ground without them.

I don't want to be anyone or anywhere else.  Truly.  Even in the midst of mental, emotional, physical and financial depletion I want to experience my whole life with all of my senses, with all of my being. 



As I finish patching together what I can remember of what I wrote the last couple of hours all I can do is shake my head.  It makes me so sad.  I don't know why I can't let it go.  I just want to convey my thoughts, feelings and experience in an eloquent and encouraging manner (and I DID before I LOST IT!)  You guys, I'm a mess inside. 

I know I'll be alright.  I know that God is my refuge and my strength so I won't be defeated.  I know I have love, support and prayers of family and friends all over this world...but I. am. a. mess.  That's just how it is.  No way around it, only through.

I feel like I'm an icicle on black top, high noon in mid July=cannot keep it together.  And that's me, being real.