Productive Partners, Faith and Doubt

Faith and doubt are not polar opposites.  Faith and certainty may be more so.  It wasn't certainty that propelled Peter out of the boat onto the stormy sea, it was faith in the Savior standing on the waves.
Faith and doubt go hand in hand to motivate us to dig deeper, seek answers, take another step, go further, work harder and to trust with reckless abandon.
I'm glad that I understand this about faith and doubt because as I stand with my feet planted on the deck of the boat and the stormy sea rages about me I am quite uncertain.  What was excitement last week at finalizing a treatment plan and preparing to get things started, this week has turned into anxious energy.  My stomach is sending me a twisted message and I'm feeling seasick.
Deep breath in, exhale slowly.  Yes, I've been practicing my deep breathing and my visualization, imagining chemotherapy as an army sent to war on my behalf to wipe out the enemy.  I've been visualizing the healthy cells in my body being protected from the battle and growing in strength.  I've visualized the room where I'll receive my treatments and have seen God Himself there with open arms to hold me in these hours.
The sky is dark and the waves are high.  My little boat is being rocked.  But my heart and mind are calm.  I wonder if this is what it was like for Peter as he stood on deck, his hair and face wet from the crashing waves, muscles tense from gripping the side of the ship, anxiety stirring in the pit of his stomach.  But there, in the midst of the storm, on the darkest, angriest rolling wave a figure appears.  I can imagine Peter wiping his eyes with his arm to try to see more clearly as he squints into the distance.  Could it possibly be?  How could it be?  Jesus on the waves?  Jesus on the waves.
"Jesus if that's you, tell me to come to you," Peter shouts over the howling wind.
"Come," was the response.
One leg over the side of the boat and then another and Peter is walking.  On water.  He walked.  Then he sank because he took his eyes off Jesus, "saw the wind" and was scared again.  But the point is he had faith to step out of the boat despite his doubt.
I'm seeing the wind right now.  I keep thinking about the last time I had chemotherapy and how utterly sick I was.  There were very few medications that kept me from being physically ill with each treatment.  I don't want to go there again and feel I cannot.
But I will if I must.  I will get up tomorrow and go into surgery.  I will have chemotherapy on Wednesday.  Regardless of how it makes me feel I will dig deep and summon the fortitude to go back and do it again in three weeks.  If I believe Jesus is on the waves with me, faith will propel me forward even in my doubt.  Though my thoughts and feelings are conflicted I will put faith and doubt to work for me, to motivate and move me.  I will trust with reckless abandon and will keep my eyes fixed.