At the beginning of March Pete and I were finishing up a conference which I refer to as our spiritual retreat. Presenting at this spiritual retreat were Richard and Nathan Foster, father and son teachers,authors and speakers. Richard Foster wrote a book in the 70's called "The Celebration of Discipline". Nathan took that book, in which Richard outlines 12 spiritual disciplines, and tried to purposefully/intentionally practice each one. This process took him 4 years and he compiled his experiences into a book "The Making of an Ordinary Saint". These two works were the basis of this retreat.
The opening scripture was found in Jeremiah 17: 7-8 "But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to produce fruit."
This idea of the heat and the time of drought was used to illustrate a time of suffering, doubt or trial. Throughout the conference the theme of suffering was reiterated.
A couple weeks ago I had a wonderfully uplifting conversation with a friend of mine, Chaplain Carole. I was telling her about the spiritual retreat and trying to recount what I had learned. I told her about this theme of suffering. Not just suffering in and of itself, but suffering as formation or formation through suffering. God redeems what seems like lost time, or pointless pain. Our suffering is not in vain. Through our pain and suffering we are forced to press in and keep going. We learn more about ourselves, our faith, God and those around us at our point of pain. Our character is shaped and developed in trials and by fire. I don't want my suffering to be meaningless. I want to "become" something through my suffering. Even in times of heat and drought I want to have a fruitful life.
I had a MUGA scan the week before beginning chemotherapy. It is when radioactive tracers are mixed in with a sample of your blood then injected into the arm. The blood sample with tracers head straight for the heart and its then that the scan can capture pictures of the function of the heart. Well, in order to take the blood sample and to inject it requires a couple needle stings. The blood draw was a quick prick and for a moment I found myself wishing I didn't have to feel it.
"Isn't there something they could give to numb a persons arm before doing that?" I thought.
As I lay on the table a bit later to have the blood and tracers injected back into my arm, another thought came to me. "It's just when we numb out and simply decline to embrace all that our journey has to hold that we become angry or bitter."
So when I knew the next needle sting would be coming I took a deep breath and tried to simply absorb the pain. In perspective, I can imagine it would be much harder to do this with a deeper, lengthier and more intense pain than a needle sting. But the point is, numbing out doesn't work anyway, it goes against the grain of experience, the same way denial does. If I say "It doesn't hurt" I'm lying to you but I'm also robbing myself of the fullness of that experience. Pain and suffering are part of the human story.
I wish I could say that the second needle sting that I tried to absorb and embrace didn't hurt as much as the first, but that would be inaccurate. It did hurt, but my attitude, intention and overall emotional experience of that needle stick was different from the first. So I realize my intention and attitude play a large part in how I am able to bear pain.
I'm talking about physical pain here. But I've found the same principles to be true in regarding to emotional or spiritual pain and suffering. Not only that, but I know I do not enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death alone. No temptation, concern, pain, irritation, frustration, threat, illness, nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing can separation me from the love of God. I do not go alone. I do not suffer alone. And I know that despite these trials my soul will receive nourishment from a loving God and because of it I will continue on and become more.
No comments:
Post a Comment